June 30, 1987
Dear N_____,
Forgive me for not having written since you left, but life has been a bit hectic.
In March, I was appointed to the County Solid Waste Commission as the public member. This means that I now have the dubious privilege of setting policy rather than merely giving legal advice on it. With the disposal situation in this county growing more bleak with each passing month, I know the job will be challenging if not wholly fulfilling.
In April, I began a criminal trial which has caused me more headaches than I care to talk about. The idea of a municipal attorney conducting a criminal trial is a bit like asking a heart specialist to perform a brain operation. The specialist may be successful but you can bet that it is going to be whole lot messier than it would have been if a brain surgeon had done the job.
In May, my grandfather (my father's father) passed away. He was 85 years old and had been suffering from cancer for the past three years, so his passing was not unexpected. In some respects, it was merciful. Anyway, my grandfather's passing necessitated my making a quick trip to Oklahoma for his funeral. Using the Vanagon, I picked up my Mom, sisters, and youngest brother in Victorville, and we all traveled together on the old Route 66 (now Interstate 40) to Oklahoma City where we met up with my father and were later joined by my other, younger brother.
It was a very interesting experience to go back to Oklahoma and see the physical and familial roots of the J________ clan once again. Since my grandmother is still alive at 81 and so are many of my grandfather's brothers and sisters, it looks like I could look forward to many more productive years ... if I could settle on a farm in Oklahoma. But alas, such will not be.
In June, I attended my niece's high school graduation in Los Angeles. Once again, I was on the road and while I enjoyed the ceremony, I do not relish the traveling I have done over the past three months.
Every now and then R____ asks about Z____. He wonders if he'll ever get a chance to see Z____ again. I told him that one of these days we will be making a trip out that way and that we would make a special effort to see Z____. Of course, I imagine that in order to see Z____, we will have to see you and B__ too. So, don't be surprised if you get a call some day saying that we are on our way.
Speaking of Z____, I guess you know that I cannot look at him without being reminded of C_____. There's something about his eyes and their expression which evokes those distant memories. While you were here, I mentioned something I wanted to tell you but never got around to doing. Since I am writing, I might as well do so now.
A little while back, I had an experience which will stay with me for the rest of my life. The experience only lasted a few minutes, but the intensity of it took me for a loop. It happened early one morning, just as I was emerging from sleep. As I was lying in the bed, this feeling came over me which, for lack of a better explanation, I shall simply call a sense of another presence. It was not a disturbing presence; on the contrary it was a rather comforting presence. The presence was the presence of C____ and its purpose was to assure me of the peace that C____ had found and to alleviate any anxiety that I may have felt about her death. The presence of C____ communicated with me that everything was ok. And you know, after the presence was gone, I felt curiously at peace myself. I found it extremely comforting to know that there is existence after this life and that there is at least one person that I know who has gone to that place before me and can show me he ropes when I get there.
But the story does not end there. There is more. It was only after I fully woke up and gained control over my senses that I began to more fully comprehend what was going on. You see, this experience happened on September 19, 1985, one year after C_____'s death and quite frankly, I had thought that I relegated C_____ and her death to the back of my mind.
I suppose that a competent psychiatrist would be quick to analyze the above as the working of my subconscious mind. The shrink would say that my subconscious still had some things to work out with regards to C_____ and that it used the brief moments between dreaming and wakefulness to deal with the anxiety or guilt which lay in the back of my mind. Maybe so, but I think not ... I believe not.
I believe that there are certain bonds that cannot be broken, certain ties that transcend our physical existence. To that end, the essence of the relationship C____ and I had did not die when she did. It goes on and will continue to do so. Sure, C_____, herself, is no longer here and I have had no more visitations since that September day but somehow I can't help but feel that C_____ is never very far away.
Anyway, I had pause to think long and hard after I woke up. I found it strange that the presence had come to me on the anniversary of C_____'s death but I also felt a great deal of peace about it as well. I was so moved by the experience that later that day, I went to the florist and sent you the flowers -- not as a sign of remembered grief but rather as a sign of the contentment and joy held by not only by me but also by the presence which is C_____.
Well, N_____, there you have it. Call me a wacko, if you wish. Disown me, if you must. But I gotta tell ya, my perspective on life is not the same as it once was. I now believe in the certainty of what is to come and with that belief comes a lessening of the fear.
Give my regards to B__ and Z___ and do continue to take care of them all.
Love,
S____
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